Time to rethink

…again.

It’s always strange when you think you’ve got it…because that’s almost always not the case. I need a way to remind myself that nothing is ever permanent. Nothing should be safe from re-evaluation.

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It’s never nice…

…to realize you’re not wanted. But it’s good to remember that sometimes you don’t want either. It’s just when those two situations don’t coincide…and you realize too late that the other person was just being polite…

I think it’s time to leave again…

When you think…

…you’ve offended someone and don’t know how to address it…

  1. I don’t know for sure that I offended her.
  2. I think it would be weird/inappropriate if I bring it up whether or not she was actually offended.
  3. There’s a power dynamic; she’s not my direct supervisor but I work with/under her.
  4. I don’t think she would bring it up but I’ve been told she tends to hold grudges. (I don’t want to listen to gossip but I also don’t want to ignore advice…?)
  5. (But?) I think she’s funny/sarcastic and cool…

In conclusion, ugh.

Problem

Sometimes a problem doesn’t actually seem like a problem at first.

I like to do things well.

So I’ve become very selective about what I focus on.

So I don’t try very many new things.

So I don’t know very many things.

So I don’t know very many people.

So I don’t learn very much.

I like to be/feel needed.

I don’t know what I actually want.

I am thankful…

…for unexpected changes. I know. It’s weird. I hate change. I am bad at adjusting to change.

But I am grateful for a recent change. And now? It’s time to buck up and focus. I had almost a week of confusion and weird but relaxing adjustment…and now I have to try harder. I am thankful that I kind of, finally, want something enough to…I don’t want to lose this by being present and conscious of the moment…

This is a weird time.

I knew…

…I wasn’t going to have kids in a weird flash of clarity when I was maybe 10 or 11. I honestly don’t know how or why but I was convinced…and I was sad for a bit…but as a grown up now, I have siblings with kids and…they’re great but I definitely enjoy not having kids and I feel like I’ve reasonably considered it…and on several levels too.

I don’t think I’d do well with the all-consuming nature of being a parent. I don’t think I’d do well with the expectations of being a parent from myself, my partner, other people, just the responsibility over another human being. I also don’t think I like the expectation I would develop of other people…and this is a generalization from my limited experience of people that I knew before and after having kids. I understand that being a parent is hard and tiring, but there’s an expectation for others to admit that parenting is harder than anything you’re going through…and maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, depending on the circumstances but aside from that weird feeling that some parents give off of needing to be congratulated all the time, there is a reason some people decide not to become parents. I don’t want or think I would deal well with being a parent and I choose not to give up the things I would have to give up…so…I know it sounds really selfish but why should I be expected to give those things up for someone who decided to become parent…?

Basically, if I want time alone because I want alone time, I feel like it shouldn’t be pointed out that someone else might need it more so I should babysit their kids…

Remember…

A reminder for myself…well, for anyone, really…

“Empathy isn’t just something that happens to us—a meteor shower of synapses firing across the brain—it’s also a choice we make: to pay attention, to extend ourselves. It’s made of exertion, that dowdier cousin of impulse. Sometimes we care for another because we know we should, or because it’s asked for, but this doesn’t make our caring hollow. The act of choosing simply means we’ve committed ourselves to a set of behaviors greater than the sum of our individual inclinations: I will listen to his sadness, even when I’m deep in my own. To say “going through the motions”—this isn’t reduction so much as acknowledgment of the effort—the labor, the motions, the dance—of getting inside another person’s state of heart or mind. This confession of effort chafes against the notion that empathy should always arise unbidden, that genuine means the same thing as unwilled, that intentionality is the enemy of love. But I believe in intention and I believe in work. I believe in waking up in the middle of the night and packing our bags and leaving our worst selves for our better ones.”

Leslie Jamison, The Empathy Exams
(via fyp-psychology)