Sometimes a problem doesn’t actually seem like a problem at first.
I like to do things well.
So I’ve become very selective about what I focus on.
So I don’t try very many new things.
So I don’t know very many things.
So I don’t know very many people.
So I don’t learn very much.
I like to be/feel needed.
I don’t know what I actually want.
…for unexpected changes. I know. It’s weird. I hate change. I am bad at adjusting to change.
But I am grateful for a recent change. And now? It’s time to buck up and focus. I had almost a week of confusion and weird but relaxing adjustment…and now I have to try harder. I am thankful that I kind of, finally, want something enough to…I don’t want to lose this by being present and conscious of the moment…
This is a weird time.
…I wasn’t going to have kids in a weird flash of clarity when I was maybe 10 or 11. I honestly don’t know how or why but I was convinced…and I was sad for a bit…but as a grown up now, I have siblings with kids and…they’re great but I definitely enjoy not having kids and I feel like I’ve reasonably considered it…and on several levels too.
I don’t think I’d do well with the all-consuming nature of being a parent. I don’t think I’d do well with the expectations of being a parent from myself, my partner, other people, just the responsibility over another human being. I also don’t think I like the expectation I would develop of other people…and this is a generalization from my limited experience of people that I knew before and after having kids. I understand that being a parent is hard and tiring, but there’s an expectation for others to admit that parenting is harder than anything you’re going through…and maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, depending on the circumstances but aside from that weird feeling that some parents give off of needing to be congratulated all the time, there is a reason some people decide not to become parents. I don’t want or think I would deal well with being a parent and I choose not to give up the things I would have to give up…so…I know it sounds really selfish but why should I be expected to give those things up for someone who decided to become parent…?
Basically, if I want time alone because I want alone time, I feel like it shouldn’t be pointed out that someone else might need it more so I should babysit their kids…
A reminder for myself…well, for anyone, really…
“Empathy isn’t just something that happens to us—a meteor shower of synapses firing across the brain—it’s also a choice we make: to pay attention, to extend ourselves. It’s made of exertion, that dowdier cousin of impulse. Sometimes we care for another because we know we should, or because it’s asked for, but this doesn’t make our caring hollow. The act of choosing simply means we’ve committed ourselves to a set of behaviors greater than the sum of our individual inclinations: I will listen to his sadness, even when I’m deep in my own. To say “going through the motions”—this isn’t reduction so much as acknowledgment of the effort—the labor, the motions, the dance—of getting inside another person’s state of heart or mind. This confession of effort chafes against the notion that empathy should always arise unbidden, that genuine means the same thing as unwilled, that intentionality is the enemy of love. But I believe in intention and I believe in work. I believe in waking up in the middle of the night and packing our bags and leaving our worst selves for our better ones.”
— Leslie Jamison, The Empathy Exams
Well…just as a preface, totally first world problem.
I want to read more. And yes, it’s a problem to find the time…or rather, more accurately, it’s a problem for me to make the time. I have the time. I just allocate it in a way that doesn’t allow me to read as much as I want to. But aside from that, I find it really hard to just stop and concentrate on reading…and not even just reading an actual book. Almost anything that’s not a quick skim or a tweet…makes me feel like a cliche for the times, you know? I am someone who read “War and Peace” when I was ten, okay? Did it make sense to me? Not really. I missed tons of serious stuff in that novel and for the next couple of years, I thought it was mostly a tragic love story between Natasha and Boris…all of the atmosphere, politics, and environment of the story, totally over my ten-year-old head. But the point is, I was interested and actually focused and read a lot of books when I was younger. Moby Dick was really awesome. I feel like a freaking idiot now.
Basically, I just tried to read a long article on design that seemed really interesting and my eyes literally wandered after about three paragraphs…and it’s not the writer’s fault! And it’s not like it was a boring read or I wasn’t interested in the topic and was being forced to read it or anything. Ugh.
In general, there just seems to be too much I want to consume…? Things to read, things to listen to, things to watch (ugh, things to watch…part of the problem with having all these lists of things to watch is that it’s actually all so accessible and organized for the viewer so there’s literally no barrier except my own damn time management…).
So yeah, I feel idiotic…and then stupid for feeling idiotic because honestly, these are not bad problems to have and I’m grateful that I can complain about it. I just want to fix it somehow…
Her voice is so calm and earnest…her whole demeanor is so calm and earnest…it’s hard to imagine that she used to be the type of person who would shout someone else down.
Especially in this current climate as well as the environment she grew up in, the fact that she could listen to others and not only that…she takes care to always credit the start of her change of heart and mind to other and not because she was just that open-minded. I really appreciate her attitude…she really seems to embody the qualities and lessons she talks about…
I can’t tell if I’ve been lazy about this blog…Ok, maybe that’s not entirely true. I feel like I’ve been lazy with my posts. I’ve set a goal of posting almost every day and I think I’ve mostly stuck to that. However, WHAT I post…I do think about anything I post but the regular things that I write are short and reactive. What I mean isn’t just that they’re easy, which they are, but that they reflect almost exactly what I think or feel at that moment or at any given day. The harder task would be to regularly post about topics that require thoughtful discussion and would need me to re-read and possibly edit what I write and how I’m expressing things…
I want to be more thoughtful. I want to improve my writing. I want to improve my thinking, my critical thinking, especially about topics that I don’t know much about. Those weren’t the primary goals of me starting a blog but those are things that I think about a lot because I am someone who is more articulate on paper than in conversation. I am someone who is very tentative about speaking…
One of the actual purposes of this blog for me is to archive things I think are cool (like the Dr. Who videos, the TED talks, science-y and space-y stuff…have I actually put up any space stuff? Space is cool.) and I’ve not done that in a while. I’m not sure why…
Some of what this blog consists of seems to be how suck-y I think everything is…a lot of the time…and I don’t like that. I feel like it becomes some sort of spiral. I definitely think a person should be honest about what they’re feeling and thinking. No repression, generally. It’s just when I dwell and obsess…and in doing so, forget the good things and blessings in my life…because there are so many. They don’t and shouldn’t be expected to lessen the effects of…fine, my depression. Honestly, I’m depressed. I can recognize that I have SO many good things in my life and at the same time, I shouldn’t feel so guilty when I’m in a really bad place mentally. It makes it harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I’m dealing with the guilt on top of the depression…
Anyways, hopefully, I can implement some changes here. Not immediately and not wholesale. Slow and steady, right? This is obviously mostly a promise to myself said into the void of the internet.