Being alone…

I’ve always been ok with being alone. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always needed some (a lot of) time to myself. My sisters and cousins would play together while I would (occasionally?) hide in the attic, in the bedroom, in the basement, with my book, with my thoughts, with my journal. So I’ve always been ok being alone.

I’ve also always been fine being single. I like being with someone, there’s a security almost there, but…just not all the time…? As I’ve grown up, I’ve realized that being introverted is not weird and more people than I realized felt the same way…so I’m introverted and that’s ok…

I’ve always been ok with never getting married…or at least as long as I’ve been aware that that’s a choice. I assumed, when I was small, that everyone got married and that I would eventually as well. I didn’t think about the when or how or why…it would just happen as a matter of course. Then, relatively slowly I guess, I realized that some older people I knew had never been married and might never marry…and that was ok with everyone (sort of). I remember thinking that that sounded better than having to have (deal with) someone around all the time…after all, I always have my family and I assumed I would also always have some friends. When I was younger, I never thought I would need to try to have people around. I always thought I would have to find a way to have time alone…

Now I know that being lonely sucks. Not being anyone’s priority is not just freeing (because yes, a part of me is still…relieved not to be responsible for anyone’s happiness), it’s depressing. This is a hard thing to know for myself…that it matters to me is new. I’ve always taken comfort in the fact that if anything, I’d be ok being alone/single because I wouldn’t ever really be alone…but I think that’s changing…both me thinking that I alone am enough for me and also…that family and friends will always be there. The second realization is not for lack of trying (maybe) but more a realistic expectation. When other people find other people, it’s unfair to expect certain things and I know that’s part of growing up.

I haven’t decided what I’m doing…

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